Why is it Hard to Be in Self in IFS Therapy?

One of the most common concerns for people starting IFS Therapy is the difficulty in accessing Self energy. Self energy refers to a state of mind characterised by curiosity, compassion, and an open-hearted presence. It is not something that we need to actively cultivate, but something that reveals itself when our parts trust us enough to unblend.

Being in Self is traditionally characterised using these 8 C-words:

• Curiosity

• Calmness

• Compassion

• Creativity

• Courage

• Clarity

• Confidence

• Connectedness

We may have parts that fear not being a good client if we can't be in Self, or that we cannot be helped unless we can find Self energy. Ironically, the more we focus on and worry about being in Self, the harder it gets.

If you're feeling like this, the first step is to bring it up with your therapist. Remember that you can still do IFS therapy with a therapist even if your system doesn't have a lot of Self-energy yet. Below I've outlined some common factors that may make it harder to be in Self.

Strong protectors

We all have protective parts that have been very active in our lives. Even when we start learning about the concept of parts, we might not be aware of our biggest, strongest protectors, since we are so blended with them most of the time.

When we finally become aware of these protectors, this means we have already gained some separation from them. People are often interested to understand their most prevalent and active parts better, and this means that there is already some Self energy in the from of curiosity or openness towards these parts.

It's important to work with these strong protectors first to start building trust with them. These protectors have good reasons for staying blended, and we'll need to make sure we fully understand them and that we address their concerns.

Your therapist can help by lending their own Self energy and talking directly with these parts if it's hard for you to unblend from them.

Self energy is seen as dangerous

For some of us, the idea of Self energy can be scary. We may have parts that see it as something dangerous and try to protect us by blocking it.

These protectors may have developed due to past experiences where we were punished for displaying Self energy, especially as children when we’re naturally curious, creative and playful. These protectors may work hard to keep Self energy hidden away.

We can work on updating these parts by letting them know that the situation has changed and that showing Self energy will not result in punishment anymore. We can also reassure the protectors that they can always blend back in when they need to.

This way, these parts can start to experience the benefits of being in connection with Self, even if only in small doses. With the help of a therapist, we can gradually build trust with these protectors and encourage them to unblend more often, eventually leading to a stronger connection with Self.

Striving or helper parts

We may encounter striving or helper parts that want healing to happen as fast as possible. These parts have good intentions, but they often end up blocking Self energy by blending with us. For instance, they may try to rush the therapy session to get to an exile or control the agenda by deciding which part deserves help.

It's crucial to work with these parts first to earn their trust. With the help of your therapist, you can explore these parts' intentions, understand their concerns, and negotiate with them to step back and let you be in Self.

By doing so, you can create a safe space for unblending and allowing Self energy to reveal itself, paving the way for deeper healing.

Your relationship with your therapist

It's important to assess whether all of your parts trust your therapist in order to fully engage in IFS therapy.

Some parts may have concerns about working with your therapist, which could be blocking access to Self. These parts may fear that it's not safe to let Self energy in with your therapist.

To address this, consider bringing up any concerns with your therapist and exploring ways to work with those parts together to build trust and create a safe environment for all parts to unblend and access Self.

Self as a Continuum

Looking at Self energy as a continuum, rather than a binary concept of being "in" or "out" of Self, has been an extremely useful approach for myself and my clients. This continuum of Self energy ranges from the tiniest amount of curiosity or calmness to the most profound and non-dual experiences of Self.

Even the smallest amount of Self energy is sufficient to start the work, and you definitely don’t need to feel like you’re overflowing with love and compassion for all your parts! Simply having a small amount of Self energy can be enough to begin your IFS journey.

To get there fast we need to go slow

My IFS trainer Osnat Arbel used to always say "To get there fast we need to go slow". Undoing ingrained roles and strategies our parts have taken requires time.

Measure your progress by examining if you have gained more awareness or understanding of your parts, or increased your curiosity. You may even notice when you're blended with a part faster, either in or outside of therapy.

In my own personal work, it’s helpful for me to view my journey as being on the right path, rather than focusing on reaching a specific destination.